Shaken. . . and definitely stirred.

With nothing else to do at 430 in the morning, I read some more.

Galatians: 1:6-7
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all.

Ok, ouch.

Galatians 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

You have my undivided attention, Paul.

Galatians 2:16
know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ.

Galatians 2:19-20
For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

At this point it is safe to say that I am rethinking my decision to drink out of anger.

Galatians 3:2-5
Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing - if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

And now the real slap. . .

Galatians 4:8-9
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?

A little comfort please, Paul?

Galatians 4:18
It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always and not just when I am with you.

And then (Ok if you have gotten this far, you may be wondering why I am writing like this. . .I assure you there is a point. . .)

Galatians 5:7-8
You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who call you.

Here is the long stretch of scripture. . . I will then make my point and share my thoughts

Galatians 5:13-22
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do WHAT YOU WANT. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, FITS OF RAGE, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and ENVY; DRUNKENNESS, orgies, and the like.
I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

So, why the long verse? Let me tell you. Paul is writing to the congregations of Galatia. From the sounds of the letter, they have been misled and God has pressed it upon Paul's heart to pursue them and bring them back to the path. This book is beautiful and yet painful because it shows that God is willing to discipline, yet still love us; to be disappointed, yet still pursue us. No one likes to be disciplined. It forces us to first acknowledge that we have done something wrong and then admit that it needs correction, followed by actually correcting it. It hurts and in my case, it often makes me angry.

Well, that’s where this really comes into play. Last night I was attempting to share something very important to me with a very close friend. We are going through a rough time, my fault, and I keep getting in the way of God's plan. It didn't really go as I planned (see: not GOD's plan) and I ended up giving into my anger after she left.

I went for a walk, found the nearest watering hole, and drank. I then walked home, beat up a box or two, and, as the alcohol hit in full swing, I picked up the guitar and just played. I rocked it, bluesed it, raggaed it, funked it and then drank some more. Another one of my friend's was at the house so I waited until she left before venturing out of my hole. I didn't want her to see me drunk. (Somehow that crossed my mind and I was able to follow that but I couldn't bring myself to follow God's voice attempting to calm me down.)

Now, Paul says to the Galatians that the acts of the sinful nature are obvious: Fits of rage (check). Drunkenness (check). Jealousy (check). Envy (check.) Selfish ambition (check). Hatred (check). Discord (check). Hmmmmmmm, practically the whole friggen list.

Let's examine this a little further. Paul touches on the fact that the Galatians turned away from God very quickly to something more familiar once they had been saved. He actually brings it up quite a few times (see: Gal 1:6, 3:2, 4:8-9, 5:7-8. . . better yet, just read Galatians.) This is to point out how they are not walking with God and turning away from them even after receiving his grace.  I struggle with this daily. Having spent the last 15 years running from him, it is really easy for me to give in to my old coping mechanisms.

Friends, I have struggled with anger for years. The problem is it isn’t really anger. It is a coping mechanism that I use to deal with much deeper issues. God is reaching into those issues. (Some of you may think I have finally cracked and think that this is all stupid. . . well, I have cracked. But this is real. This is my real journey. My life is happening. It about damn time I caught up with it.) These issues were first rediscovered in 2004. Any of you remember that year? Remember me in it? I bet you do. . .n’t. I wasn’t there. That was the year my dad stepped up and saved my life. Out of everything that year, I learned that it wasn’t anger, it was pain. It was loss. It was that feeling of, Holy crap, I am utterly alone. I didn’t believe in anything, not myself, not God, not friendship, not love. . . not nuthin.

“Son can you play me a melody? I’m not really sure how it goes but its soft and its sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man’s clothes.”

Here I am, 17, broken, alone, sad, hurt, angry and faced with all of my worst demons. The loss of my family and the destruction I helped create there. The loss of one of my biggest role models, George Christakos, who awarded me my black belt and then was called home to Jesus the very next day.

Ok. . . this is a big BIG big issue. This is the catalyst. The turning point. Even now I can’t talk or type about it without crying cause damnit that fucking hurt so I’m going to take a minute. George was the ultimate big brother. He was just gifted. Everything he ever touched, it just sang. He brought the best out in the worst of people. He was a natural teacher, a natural leader, a natural counselor, and a best friend, not just for me but everyone. There is a book written about him called Loss of a Friend. And man, did I want to emulate him. His youngest brother, Kosta, was one of my best friends. There were five of us: Melissa, Kosta, Rob and Jeff (brothers), and myself. We were a tight knit family. There wasn’t a whole lot that we didn’t do together. George always looked out for us too. We all went to the same martial arts academy: Greg Moody’s American Taekwondo Association. And we were all talented. I mean, Missy and I would always play some type of ninja type of game. Rob and Jeff were the more laid back ones and Kosta was the wild child. The day I tested for my black belt, Sunday, November 22^nd 1998, George was there. I was nervous as all get out and he just kind of breathed courage into me, I don’t really remember what he said but it was something like, you have already earned it, you are just showing off today. And I nailed it. He was that push. He drove back to school that evening and got into an accident. His jeep flipped and the roll cage failed. He sustained a massive head injury having hit is head on the first roll and each successive one after. At four am, I woke up just knowing something was wrong. I was in a cold sweat and the nightmare goes without saying. I was to later learn that day that George had passed at the time I woke up. I was 11 and suddenly I knew the world ended for everyone at some point. Death had officially visited my life in a way that I could comprehend. And we all fell apart after that. I stopped martial arts, my grades started to slip. I fought with my mother all the time. And after some time had passed I was on a plane back to Illinois to live with my father. I was the proverbial dark child. It wasn’t just metal music or dark clothes. I mean I was literally black and cold inside. My passion for life had been reduced to art and music. Life ends. That was the bottom line and I was acutely aware of that. I didn’t talk to anyone about George. I said nothing about how I felt like I had died inside. It was all final when I laid my black belt, the one he had presented to me and tied around my waist, upon his casket as they laid him to rest in the ground. I was in uniform. I was beltless. And as a kid, I was dead. I just suddenly grew 20 years and anger quickly replaced everything.

This is where I first turned away from God. I was no longer saved. I was never baptized anyway. And to me, God had left us all to rot in this hell hole called earth. In Galatians 5:22 Paul writes that the fruits of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I no longer had these things and I didn’t care. Wrath, vengefulness, darkness, hatred, and rebellion became my flag for life. From there, things just got worse but George, the loss of George was the point where I went cold.

Fast forward, back, to 2004. I was now face to face with things repressed for so long that I forgot what I was angry about. Self-destruction was imminent. I had taken a couple chances at my life already. (God had other plans.) So I am in the middle of Iowa, at a school for messed up children, and have been given the task of getting myself right again. I fixed some things, learned how to let go of my anger and admit that I was mad at just about everyone but most of all mad at me. I helped some kids through their problems. Went through some motions and was challenged to just be me and live for me.

I finished my last 2 years of high school that year. I came home and started working. I met a wonderful girl, Nikki. I went on mission trips and helped communities. All was good. But I still hated God. After a while, things all fell apart again. Nikki and I split and I entered back into my deep dark place with anger and hate as a shield.

I then met Denise. We talked for hours on end and she became a light that I followed out of the pit. We fought a lot on God. Denise believes in him with all her being. She loves him first and no one else. That presented a problem because I fell for her. (Remember somewhere above this paragraph, Paul mentions Idols?) I didn’t fall for God. I didn’t understand God. And I hated God. But I tried for her. I started going to church again; I poured my heart into her and supported her through her trip around the world. She became my life. There were a lot of good times there. But anytime God came up, World War III broke out wherever we were at. I just couldn’t get my head around her devotion. I knew her story and what God gave her. But I couldn’t forgive him. Not for George, not for my family life, not for me.

Denise left for her trip last year. We were good for the first month and then we fell down hard. I stopped being there. I stopped everything but work. I denied God again and I buried my feelings for her and by the 6^th month mark, I ended our relationship. As was my pattern, it started to get good, I began to fear the downfall, and I gave God the finger and destroyed it myself.

Denise came back and we attempted to make it work but God was not welcome in my life. Now. . . well, she is closed off to me. God left me with Him and only him. Friends’ words mean nothing when they try to help unless it is coming from God.

I have been a Christian since February 29^th, 2012. 7 days at the time of this writing. I have been trying endlessly to mend a friendship and relationship that I cannot mend. Last night, I finally gave into my temptations. I hit the bottle and I hit it hard. This morning, like clockwork, I woke up at 430 am. Sick to my stomach, though not hung over, I walked down into the living room, grabbed Denise’s Bible and flipped to Galatians. Since Thursday, I have been reading Paul’s writings and story. It’s all I really have any motivation to do and as I read, my choices of last night were shined on by God’s mighty flash light. Paul, having written these ages ago, was speaking from the grave through a Living Word and touched me right where it hurts.

Paul speaks of the biggest commandment, second only to loving God with everything you have. Paul says to Love your neighbor as you do yourself. Everyone who has met me sees this passion I have for people. It makes it very difficult to let go. When I think of letting go or even saying good bye for a short time, I think of George. I go through that loss all over again. And I don’t even know I do it. And in that moment I want to hate God and destroy things. God called him home and I was angry at him.

Today, as I began to type this, my original intent was to just talk about Galatians and how it hit me hard due to my choices last night. Now, you have a 5 page essay on a chapter of my life that I didn’t even know was there. I’m tired of losing the ones I love and I am tired of causing that loss out of fear of losing them. It’s a horrendous catch 22.

Last night I said, “You are not alone. I am still with you. God just needs to work with me one on one for a while.” As she drove away my anger surged forth. I declared it and I was angry. All our good times, all our hardships, all our everything, surged through my head and my heart. I had just declared that I am walking with God alone for a while. The first thing I do is strike out at him.

This morning, I read Galatians and learn that I am not first or the last to do this. It stung, it was beautiful, it was everything. I keep glancing at my phone expecting to see a call or text but it’s more like a nervous tick. Nothing is coming that God doesn’t give me.

God has been pursuing me since 1998. 14 years. Through all the ups and downs, through the people come and gone. Through everything, he has left his hand in reach and after every time of me smacking it away, he has put it right back. I experienced a setback last night but as Paul writes in Galatians 5:1:

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.