The Fight of My Life

Joshua 1:5, 1:7
5No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave or forsake you.
7Be strong and very courageous. . .

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

"Welcome to the fight of your life son." -enemy

I am fighting the very worst of the enemy right now. When I wake, when I daydream, when I rest, when I sleep, he is always there the moment I stop to breathe. Today it manifested in such a way that I thought I was just going to do something nice and unexpected for someone. Then I stopped to think about it and prayed over it. My intentions were not my own.

The enemy was using my affection against me and attempting to set me up for a downfall. It is easy to disguise an attack as genuine love and generosity when those emotions exist and you would have normally done the deed out of love in another time. The difference being, this time, is that I am in a state of growth and have been called to be in God, not others. I have already done what I was instructed to do so anything else, ANYTHING else, is not from God but from those in the dark that seek to keep me from winning my life.

So, I hopped in the car and started to drive to my normal spot. I pumped the tunes that really get me stoked. Walls by Manic Drive hit the playlist and I sparked. Like Holy A-Bomb sparked. It is in me to fight today. I could feel my thoughts twisting. Something dark was still trying to get me to drop off a coffee. When I said, "No" a fight broke out. Literally, I was driving down the road to Caribou and I was fighting.

All sorts of thoughts started flying through my head from "everything will be fine" to "you could justify your anger" and I was suddenly faced with choices. Here is what I chose:

"No. This mind and heart belongs to God, not you. And you cannot test God. Tempting me to do this will only set me back from Him and I will not. Leave me alone."

Have you ever tried to fight an invisible enemy? Imagine wanting to swing at something sooo bad. To just beat it to a friggen pulp. But every time you get a bead on the little devil, and then swing at him, you go right through him or he just disappears.

(Its kind of funny, even now the fight is still going on. I had a piece of paper holding my spot in the chapter I am in and, as I flipped to another section, the paper fell out. Like WOW dude. REALLY?!?)

Back on task, he just disappears every time I try to swing at him. It reminds me of Harry Potter with the Pixies. In Eph 6:12, Paul, talking about the Armor of God, says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." See that? let me point it out: NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD. I can't hit him. I can't even really see him in a traditional sense. Paul continues in 6:13, "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

But Rob?!? What if this book is wrong? What if you are just finally breaking down and going crazy? You know, grabbing on to the crutch that you always called it (Christianity)?

I kid you not, that is what I am hearing at this moment. It is not an enemy of the flesh but an enemy of the Spirit. Like BOOM. So I tell ya what you friend (see devil), how about you take your spite up with God. You are seriously like the epic whiny child that didn't get your way. My mind is racked enough right now. I don't need your continued assault to try and break me from what I need to focus on and do. Paul has been speaking volumes to me. Two weeks ago, I would have said (and have said several times) that this is a book written how many years ago? It can't possibly still apply! Well, for two weeks straight Paul has been speaking God into me.

Eph 6:13 Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground.

Think about any bad day you have ever had. I can list a few but I'll share one.

If you look closely at my face, usually in the summer after I have a decent tan going, haven't really shaved, and usually when I am really tired, you may notice a scar or two. Those scars are from a previous fight. A fight within myself. It was 2:30 in the morning, I had woken up feeling miserable and alone and I started to panic. I just started to really hate myself.

I sleep with a knife. Call it a nervous tick to always be prepared. Dean Winchester does the same (See Supernatural). Well this night, that knife became a weapon against my flesh. I was not prepared for the next bit but I (as in ME) did it all the same. Through all my hate; through all my pain; through all the things that I had come to believe about myself (I am not good enough, who could love me, my own family doesn't want me, I'm a freak, I'm a dark child, I have no hope) and through the nagging voice that I am worthless (remember, this is in high school so I am still running from God), I picked up that knife and did a wonderful number on my face. 2:30 in the morning, age 16, and I am trying to make my face match the hideousness that I saw myself as in the mirror. I went slasher movie on my face and my arms but no serious damage was done. . . kind of. I guess a better way to say it is that no one seemed to notice. Ha HAAA PROOF that no one cared. But also proof, though I couldn't see it at the time, that God did not let the knife harm me as much as I wanted it to.

How many of you have seen me go NUTS about something, like these suicides due to bullying? Or this casual approach to parenting that is breeding a generation of children that feel worthless? DUDE I get crazy, like I just want to FIGHT! This is how I feel right now because of this morning. It's a righteous anger. Even Jesus flipped tables in the temple due to the evil he saw there.

I asked a question the other day on how you can tell the difference between anger and righteous anger. This morning, I received my answer. I am angrily fighting the enemy trying to occupy my mind and using the weapons that God has provided me to do so. It is a justified fight. I didn't start it. I didn't ask for it. I tried to be peaceful and even tried to avoid the fight. But the devil knows not how to stop, but how to keep biting at my heels. He knows that I am weak with a thorn in my side. He knows that I struggle with being patient and just letting God work his plan in me. He knows all my dark thoughts, my past failures, my life as another man. These are the tools of the enemy. Imagine playing chess against Bobby Fischer where the stakes are your life. . . you would fight tooth and nail to come out on top.

Well, Luce, to me, is a lot like Bobby Fischer is to chess. He has been playing the game a lot longer than anyone in the game other than God. God made Lucifer. Not only did he make Lucifer but he made, MADE, Lucifer to keep watch over all the plans and designs that God had. That includes us! Lucifer knows exactly what makes us tick. He was the angel of Light and he was the most beautiful angel. Add to that that he was as good at the game as Bobby Fischer is at chess, and you have an enemy that is almost impossible to best. It's like Moriarty vs Sherlock Holmes.

OOOOOH There is another great analogy. Lets examine the second movie, Sherlock Holmes, Game of Shadows (yes the new remake). This has astonishing likeness to my life right now. OH, Spoilers alert for those who haven't seen it and who are still reading this small book.

Let's set the stage. The first movie ends with Holmes and Ms Adler sitting on an unfinished bridge with Lord Blackwood hanging from a cable. Holmes is letting Ms Adler go and says that he is done chasing her.

Start second movie.

Ms Adler was/is employed by Moriarty in the first movie. This is hinted at and then eventually stated by the end. In the second movie, Adler tries to leave his employment. Well, Moriarty is a ridiculously smart adversary and is after Holmes, the only challenge he could ever have that is worth his time. Moriarty basically says that she was supposed to get Holmes interested in him, not for her to fall for Holmes. He then states that her contract with him will be fulfilled when he says it is. She then attempts to lure Holmes into a "trap" (term used loosely), its more of a test, set by Moriarty. Holmes fights his way through an ambush but is officially intrigued by Moriarty. Ms. Adler's contract is thus fulfilled.

She goes to Holmes and tells her that she needs his help, they set a meeting to talk, but Moriarty has another plan. She arrives at a restaurant. She knows that Moriarty is there and she tries to take precaution against foul play. BUT, Moriarty has control over the whole restaurant and she is trapped. She orders fresh tea instead of drinking the pot on the table, but the new pot has been tampered with. Moriarty advises her that her services are no longer needed and she then falls due to poisoned tea. This single act ensures that Holmes will play the game. Now, I have forgotten to actually mention something here, though I've hinted at it.

Holmes loves Adler and vice versa. She bested him and thus caught his heart. She and him have this chemistry of pain, love, trust, mistrust. . . its just WOW. I would say that it is how true love often looks like. When you never know what the next moment looks like but deep down, you both know that you both are in for life even when you don't want anything to do with each other for a time just because of the past you share. Reminds me of this picture I have with a quote on it from John 15:13.

Back to this massive blog point. The audience is crushed at this point and they know what is going to happen. Holmes has just lost her. The first massive strike and the game' terms are sealed. This is for keeps. Playing for slips if you will. Holmes visit's Moriarty and they talk. I mean actually talk. Can you imagine talking with the man who just killed the love of your life? Holmes is hooked, the game is afoot and then Moriarty brings up Watson, Holmes only friend and companion left. He is losing Watson (kind of) already as Watson is due to be married. Moriarty, in their conversation, tells Holmes that he will send his regards to Watson.

(Why the interest? Moriarty is planning world domination basically - this is a drastic generalization, watch the movie - and Holmes, being Holmes, is the only man that could possibly stand in his way which intrigues Moriarty so yeah. Again, generalization)

Holmes, now, not only having to deal with the loss of Irene (Adler), now has to race the clock to save Watson and his wife. He attains victory in that battle and then, with the help of Watson, begins his hunt of Moriarty.

I am going to skip forward by saying that both Holmes and Watson almost die several times and then comes the "last battle" so to speak. . . mainly because it isn't. Holmes and Moriarty sit down at a summit and begin a game of chess on a veranda overlooking the summit's surroundings. They start with the pieces, but quickly move to mind chess. They call out their chess move and then follow it with the counterpart's move (both chess piece and actual move in both battles) which then leads to an internal monologue of a physical fight. Both Holmes and Moriarty know that Moriarty has the upper hand because Holmes is injured. So, the internal monologue of the physical fight plays out, Holmes loses in both Moriarty and Holmes' heads, and then the fight happens just as Watson steps out onto the veranda where Moriarty and Holmes are. Holmes changes a key point in the fight at the last second and then takes Moriarty with him as they fall over the rail of the veranda and down to the depths of the mountain range. Watson plays witness as Holmes gives his life for those he loves and to stop a monster.

Holmes however is not dead. He knew that the only way he could the game was to take Moriarty with him. 

Long paragraphs to make a point. But here is that point. (I know, I know, finally right?!) Let me draw some correlations. Let's say that Moriarty is like Satan. More experienced, smarter, and ruthless. I am like Holmes, Some experience, wild, smart, and passionate. Jesus would be Watson for Holmes. Watson was the voice of reason and assurance that Holmes would often argue with. A true brother and friend that never leaves his side. And I have my own Irene Adler.

Through the actions and choices that Holmes has made, he has made an enemy of Moriarty and thus leads up to losing Irene. Much is the same in my life. By courting the devil, I have made choices and taken actions that have removed my Irene from the game (She is not dead, just not a part of this chapter.) Jesus has been telling me for years to just stop and listen, much like Watson, but I couldn't. So I have now lost someone, I have unstoppable motivation to fight the devil with my whole heart (Holmes goes after Moriarty knowing that he has no other choice). And in this case, the devil, my Moriarty, no longer able to reside in me, lingers over me like a cloak of invisibility.

Holmes does something amazing in the battle for his life. He sacrifices it for something better. He locks Moriarty up and then kicks off over the edge, taking Moriarty with him. In that same way, Jesus kicked off the edge and sacrificed himself for us. And now, like those before me, I have made the sacrifice of my life for someone better. There is no greater weapon.

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

The devil can not touch me when I wear the armor of God. God is what I give my life for. Why? Because he gave his Son for all of us. It is the greatest way to show my love for Him to give my life to his purpose. The enemy is always circling. Everyone has a Moriarty and you will constantly have to fight him in order to continue to stand for God. By giving my life, (yes, that means dying) I have claimed Jesus as my life. God's life and will is my life. This does not mean that it is smooth sailing. Actually it means that I have set sail for troubled waters. Life is that of conflict and victory. Loss in inevitable. I have to give it all up and accept what God has planned. This is ridiculously hard. All those you love and care for, all the dreams that I had, all the plans I had made, they are all forfeit. But by doing this, God will put what is supposed to be in my life back in my life.

Holmes survived the fall. His life is brand new. Reborn even. Me too. When I meet my friends, I know them from my past. But I have the ability to meet them all over again. I am not the same. Conflict is everywhere. Friends, family, loved ones, situations, and circumstances all exist to challenge us and shape us. God's work in us is only done when he calls us home.

George fulfilled his calling when I was 11. Yeah, I shifted, but God called him home. And now, 14 years later, I am saved. Sure it hurt like hell. But my heart was cold. Ice cold and like stone. And like the song Coldest Heart says, "The coldest heart can come to life when it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes." Holmes came alive when he lost Irene. I came alive when I lost that which I loved the most. It's hard to see it when you have it. It is hard to appreciate it when you don't even realize that you are cold inside. I was used to it and it became natural. Wearing the cloth of the wicked is too easy to forget about because it is never really substantial. You just always feel like something is missing. But you know what?

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Does that sound like a pleasant ride? But it is SOOOOO worth it. Kicking yourself off a ledge and plunging into freezing water 200 + feet below to fight the enemy isn't pleasant either. God separates us from everything and remakes us, the moment that we step into his plan for us. It's not always pleasant but out of it, like a phoenix, we rise with Jesus to the Father and are awarded with armor from God and an stand in an army that is unstoppable.

So yes I am a fighter, I love passionately, I am honest, I am an artist, and I am only me when I am standing in my faith, with my God, and living the life he has for me. So chew on that the next time you want to step up Satan. I will stand. If you knock me over, I will stand up again. If you inflict pain, I will stand fast and praise God for the opportunity to prove my love to Him. How can you fight that? Just like I cannot best you, you cannot best God. Therefore, I live with a Strong, Loving, and Self-disciplined Spirit. God cannot be mocked, and His power is made perfect in my weakness. You keep your fear and temptations to yourself.