The Fight of My Life

Joshua 1:5, 1:7
5No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave or forsake you.
7Be strong and very courageous. . .

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

"Welcome to the fight of your life son." -enemy

I am fighting the very worst of the enemy right now. When I wake, when I daydream, when I rest, when I sleep, he is always there the moment I stop to breathe. Today it manifested in such a way that I thought I was just going to do something nice and unexpected for someone. Then I stopped to think about it and prayed over it. My intentions were not my own.

The enemy was using my affection against me and attempting to set me up for a downfall. It is easy to disguise an attack as genuine love and generosity when those emotions exist and you would have normally done the deed out of love in another time. The difference being, this time, is that I am in a state of growth and have been called to be in God, not others. I have already done what I was instructed to do so anything else, ANYTHING else, is not from God but from those in the dark that seek to keep me from winning my life.

So, I hopped in the car and started to drive to my normal spot. I pumped the tunes that really get me stoked. Walls by Manic Drive hit the playlist and I sparked. Like Holy A-Bomb sparked. It is in me to fight today. I could feel my thoughts twisting. Something dark was still trying to get me to drop off a coffee. When I said, "No" a fight broke out. Literally, I was driving down the road to Caribou and I was fighting.

All sorts of thoughts started flying through my head from "everything will be fine" to "you could justify your anger" and I was suddenly faced with choices. Here is what I chose:

"No. This mind and heart belongs to God, not you. And you cannot test God. Tempting me to do this will only set me back from Him and I will not. Leave me alone."

Have you ever tried to fight an invisible enemy? Imagine wanting to swing at something sooo bad. To just beat it to a friggen pulp. But every time you get a bead on the little devil, and then swing at him, you go right through him or he just disappears.

(Its kind of funny, even now the fight is still going on. I had a piece of paper holding my spot in the chapter I am in and, as I flipped to another section, the paper fell out. Like WOW dude. REALLY?!?)

Back on task, he just disappears every time I try to swing at him. It reminds me of Harry Potter with the Pixies. In Eph 6:12, Paul, talking about the Armor of God, says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." See that? let me point it out: NOT AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD. I can't hit him. I can't even really see him in a traditional sense. Paul continues in 6:13, "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

But Rob?!? What if this book is wrong? What if you are just finally breaking down and going crazy? You know, grabbing on to the crutch that you always called it (Christianity)?

I kid you not, that is what I am hearing at this moment. It is not an enemy of the flesh but an enemy of the Spirit. Like BOOM. So I tell ya what you friend (see devil), how about you take your spite up with God. You are seriously like the epic whiny child that didn't get your way. My mind is racked enough right now. I don't need your continued assault to try and break me from what I need to focus on and do. Paul has been speaking volumes to me. Two weeks ago, I would have said (and have said several times) that this is a book written how many years ago? It can't possibly still apply! Well, for two weeks straight Paul has been speaking God into me.

Eph 6:13 Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground.

Think about any bad day you have ever had. I can list a few but I'll share one.

If you look closely at my face, usually in the summer after I have a decent tan going, haven't really shaved, and usually when I am really tired, you may notice a scar or two. Those scars are from a previous fight. A fight within myself. It was 2:30 in the morning, I had woken up feeling miserable and alone and I started to panic. I just started to really hate myself.

I sleep with a knife. Call it a nervous tick to always be prepared. Dean Winchester does the same (See Supernatural). Well this night, that knife became a weapon against my flesh. I was not prepared for the next bit but I (as in ME) did it all the same. Through all my hate; through all my pain; through all the things that I had come to believe about myself (I am not good enough, who could love me, my own family doesn't want me, I'm a freak, I'm a dark child, I have no hope) and through the nagging voice that I am worthless (remember, this is in high school so I am still running from God), I picked up that knife and did a wonderful number on my face. 2:30 in the morning, age 16, and I am trying to make my face match the hideousness that I saw myself as in the mirror. I went slasher movie on my face and my arms but no serious damage was done. . . kind of. I guess a better way to say it is that no one seemed to notice. Ha HAAA PROOF that no one cared. But also proof, though I couldn't see it at the time, that God did not let the knife harm me as much as I wanted it to.

How many of you have seen me go NUTS about something, like these suicides due to bullying? Or this casual approach to parenting that is breeding a generation of children that feel worthless? DUDE I get crazy, like I just want to FIGHT! This is how I feel right now because of this morning. It's a righteous anger. Even Jesus flipped tables in the temple due to the evil he saw there.

I asked a question the other day on how you can tell the difference between anger and righteous anger. This morning, I received my answer. I am angrily fighting the enemy trying to occupy my mind and using the weapons that God has provided me to do so. It is a justified fight. I didn't start it. I didn't ask for it. I tried to be peaceful and even tried to avoid the fight. But the devil knows not how to stop, but how to keep biting at my heels. He knows that I am weak with a thorn in my side. He knows that I struggle with being patient and just letting God work his plan in me. He knows all my dark thoughts, my past failures, my life as another man. These are the tools of the enemy. Imagine playing chess against Bobby Fischer where the stakes are your life. . . you would fight tooth and nail to come out on top.

Well, Luce, to me, is a lot like Bobby Fischer is to chess. He has been playing the game a lot longer than anyone in the game other than God. God made Lucifer. Not only did he make Lucifer but he made, MADE, Lucifer to keep watch over all the plans and designs that God had. That includes us! Lucifer knows exactly what makes us tick. He was the angel of Light and he was the most beautiful angel. Add to that that he was as good at the game as Bobby Fischer is at chess, and you have an enemy that is almost impossible to best. It's like Moriarty vs Sherlock Holmes.

OOOOOH There is another great analogy. Lets examine the second movie, Sherlock Holmes, Game of Shadows (yes the new remake). This has astonishing likeness to my life right now. OH, Spoilers alert for those who haven't seen it and who are still reading this small book.

Let's set the stage. The first movie ends with Holmes and Ms Adler sitting on an unfinished bridge with Lord Blackwood hanging from a cable. Holmes is letting Ms Adler go and says that he is done chasing her.

Start second movie.

Ms Adler was/is employed by Moriarty in the first movie. This is hinted at and then eventually stated by the end. In the second movie, Adler tries to leave his employment. Well, Moriarty is a ridiculously smart adversary and is after Holmes, the only challenge he could ever have that is worth his time. Moriarty basically says that she was supposed to get Holmes interested in him, not for her to fall for Holmes. He then states that her contract with him will be fulfilled when he says it is. She then attempts to lure Holmes into a "trap" (term used loosely), its more of a test, set by Moriarty. Holmes fights his way through an ambush but is officially intrigued by Moriarty. Ms. Adler's contract is thus fulfilled.

She goes to Holmes and tells her that she needs his help, they set a meeting to talk, but Moriarty has another plan. She arrives at a restaurant. She knows that Moriarty is there and she tries to take precaution against foul play. BUT, Moriarty has control over the whole restaurant and she is trapped. She orders fresh tea instead of drinking the pot on the table, but the new pot has been tampered with. Moriarty advises her that her services are no longer needed and she then falls due to poisoned tea. This single act ensures that Holmes will play the game. Now, I have forgotten to actually mention something here, though I've hinted at it.

Holmes loves Adler and vice versa. She bested him and thus caught his heart. She and him have this chemistry of pain, love, trust, mistrust. . . its just WOW. I would say that it is how true love often looks like. When you never know what the next moment looks like but deep down, you both know that you both are in for life even when you don't want anything to do with each other for a time just because of the past you share. Reminds me of this picture I have with a quote on it from John 15:13.

Back to this massive blog point. The audience is crushed at this point and they know what is going to happen. Holmes has just lost her. The first massive strike and the game' terms are sealed. This is for keeps. Playing for slips if you will. Holmes visit's Moriarty and they talk. I mean actually talk. Can you imagine talking with the man who just killed the love of your life? Holmes is hooked, the game is afoot and then Moriarty brings up Watson, Holmes only friend and companion left. He is losing Watson (kind of) already as Watson is due to be married. Moriarty, in their conversation, tells Holmes that he will send his regards to Watson.

(Why the interest? Moriarty is planning world domination basically - this is a drastic generalization, watch the movie - and Holmes, being Holmes, is the only man that could possibly stand in his way which intrigues Moriarty so yeah. Again, generalization)

Holmes, now, not only having to deal with the loss of Irene (Adler), now has to race the clock to save Watson and his wife. He attains victory in that battle and then, with the help of Watson, begins his hunt of Moriarty.

I am going to skip forward by saying that both Holmes and Watson almost die several times and then comes the "last battle" so to speak. . . mainly because it isn't. Holmes and Moriarty sit down at a summit and begin a game of chess on a veranda overlooking the summit's surroundings. They start with the pieces, but quickly move to mind chess. They call out their chess move and then follow it with the counterpart's move (both chess piece and actual move in both battles) which then leads to an internal monologue of a physical fight. Both Holmes and Moriarty know that Moriarty has the upper hand because Holmes is injured. So, the internal monologue of the physical fight plays out, Holmes loses in both Moriarty and Holmes' heads, and then the fight happens just as Watson steps out onto the veranda where Moriarty and Holmes are. Holmes changes a key point in the fight at the last second and then takes Moriarty with him as they fall over the rail of the veranda and down to the depths of the mountain range. Watson plays witness as Holmes gives his life for those he loves and to stop a monster.

Holmes however is not dead. He knew that the only way he could the game was to take Moriarty with him. 

Long paragraphs to make a point. But here is that point. (I know, I know, finally right?!) Let me draw some correlations. Let's say that Moriarty is like Satan. More experienced, smarter, and ruthless. I am like Holmes, Some experience, wild, smart, and passionate. Jesus would be Watson for Holmes. Watson was the voice of reason and assurance that Holmes would often argue with. A true brother and friend that never leaves his side. And I have my own Irene Adler.

Through the actions and choices that Holmes has made, he has made an enemy of Moriarty and thus leads up to losing Irene. Much is the same in my life. By courting the devil, I have made choices and taken actions that have removed my Irene from the game (She is not dead, just not a part of this chapter.) Jesus has been telling me for years to just stop and listen, much like Watson, but I couldn't. So I have now lost someone, I have unstoppable motivation to fight the devil with my whole heart (Holmes goes after Moriarty knowing that he has no other choice). And in this case, the devil, my Moriarty, no longer able to reside in me, lingers over me like a cloak of invisibility.

Holmes does something amazing in the battle for his life. He sacrifices it for something better. He locks Moriarty up and then kicks off over the edge, taking Moriarty with him. In that same way, Jesus kicked off the edge and sacrificed himself for us. And now, like those before me, I have made the sacrifice of my life for someone better. There is no greater weapon.

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

The devil can not touch me when I wear the armor of God. God is what I give my life for. Why? Because he gave his Son for all of us. It is the greatest way to show my love for Him to give my life to his purpose. The enemy is always circling. Everyone has a Moriarty and you will constantly have to fight him in order to continue to stand for God. By giving my life, (yes, that means dying) I have claimed Jesus as my life. God's life and will is my life. This does not mean that it is smooth sailing. Actually it means that I have set sail for troubled waters. Life is that of conflict and victory. Loss in inevitable. I have to give it all up and accept what God has planned. This is ridiculously hard. All those you love and care for, all the dreams that I had, all the plans I had made, they are all forfeit. But by doing this, God will put what is supposed to be in my life back in my life.

Holmes survived the fall. His life is brand new. Reborn even. Me too. When I meet my friends, I know them from my past. But I have the ability to meet them all over again. I am not the same. Conflict is everywhere. Friends, family, loved ones, situations, and circumstances all exist to challenge us and shape us. God's work in us is only done when he calls us home.

George fulfilled his calling when I was 11. Yeah, I shifted, but God called him home. And now, 14 years later, I am saved. Sure it hurt like hell. But my heart was cold. Ice cold and like stone. And like the song Coldest Heart says, "The coldest heart can come to life when it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes." Holmes came alive when he lost Irene. I came alive when I lost that which I loved the most. It's hard to see it when you have it. It is hard to appreciate it when you don't even realize that you are cold inside. I was used to it and it became natural. Wearing the cloth of the wicked is too easy to forget about because it is never really substantial. You just always feel like something is missing. But you know what?

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Does that sound like a pleasant ride? But it is SOOOOO worth it. Kicking yourself off a ledge and plunging into freezing water 200 + feet below to fight the enemy isn't pleasant either. God separates us from everything and remakes us, the moment that we step into his plan for us. It's not always pleasant but out of it, like a phoenix, we rise with Jesus to the Father and are awarded with armor from God and an stand in an army that is unstoppable.

So yes I am a fighter, I love passionately, I am honest, I am an artist, and I am only me when I am standing in my faith, with my God, and living the life he has for me. So chew on that the next time you want to step up Satan. I will stand. If you knock me over, I will stand up again. If you inflict pain, I will stand fast and praise God for the opportunity to prove my love to Him. How can you fight that? Just like I cannot best you, you cannot best God. Therefore, I live with a Strong, Loving, and Self-disciplined Spirit. God cannot be mocked, and His power is made perfect in my weakness. You keep your fear and temptations to yourself. 

Shaken. . . and definitely stirred.

With nothing else to do at 430 in the morning, I read some more.

Galatians: 1:6-7
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel - which is really no gospel at all.

Ok, ouch.

Galatians 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

You have my undivided attention, Paul.

Galatians 2:16
know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ.

Galatians 2:19-20
For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

At this point it is safe to say that I am rethinking my decision to drink out of anger.

Galatians 3:2-5
Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing - if it really was for nothing? Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

And now the real slap. . .

Galatians 4:8-9
Formerly, when you did not know God, you were slaves to those who by nature are not gods. But now that you know God - or rather are known by God - how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?

A little comfort please, Paul?

Galatians 4:18
It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good, and to be so always and not just when I am with you.

And then (Ok if you have gotten this far, you may be wondering why I am writing like this. . .I assure you there is a point. . .)

Galatians 5:7-8
You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the one who call you.

Here is the long stretch of scripture. . . I will then make my point and share my thoughts

Galatians 5:13-22
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do WHAT YOU WANT. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, FITS OF RAGE, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and ENVY; DRUNKENNESS, orgies, and the like.
I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

So, why the long verse? Let me tell you. Paul is writing to the congregations of Galatia. From the sounds of the letter, they have been misled and God has pressed it upon Paul's heart to pursue them and bring them back to the path. This book is beautiful and yet painful because it shows that God is willing to discipline, yet still love us; to be disappointed, yet still pursue us. No one likes to be disciplined. It forces us to first acknowledge that we have done something wrong and then admit that it needs correction, followed by actually correcting it. It hurts and in my case, it often makes me angry.

Well, that’s where this really comes into play. Last night I was attempting to share something very important to me with a very close friend. We are going through a rough time, my fault, and I keep getting in the way of God's plan. It didn't really go as I planned (see: not GOD's plan) and I ended up giving into my anger after she left.

I went for a walk, found the nearest watering hole, and drank. I then walked home, beat up a box or two, and, as the alcohol hit in full swing, I picked up the guitar and just played. I rocked it, bluesed it, raggaed it, funked it and then drank some more. Another one of my friend's was at the house so I waited until she left before venturing out of my hole. I didn't want her to see me drunk. (Somehow that crossed my mind and I was able to follow that but I couldn't bring myself to follow God's voice attempting to calm me down.)

Now, Paul says to the Galatians that the acts of the sinful nature are obvious: Fits of rage (check). Drunkenness (check). Jealousy (check). Envy (check.) Selfish ambition (check). Hatred (check). Discord (check). Hmmmmmmm, practically the whole friggen list.

Let's examine this a little further. Paul touches on the fact that the Galatians turned away from God very quickly to something more familiar once they had been saved. He actually brings it up quite a few times (see: Gal 1:6, 3:2, 4:8-9, 5:7-8. . . better yet, just read Galatians.) This is to point out how they are not walking with God and turning away from them even after receiving his grace.  I struggle with this daily. Having spent the last 15 years running from him, it is really easy for me to give in to my old coping mechanisms.

Friends, I have struggled with anger for years. The problem is it isn’t really anger. It is a coping mechanism that I use to deal with much deeper issues. God is reaching into those issues. (Some of you may think I have finally cracked and think that this is all stupid. . . well, I have cracked. But this is real. This is my real journey. My life is happening. It about damn time I caught up with it.) These issues were first rediscovered in 2004. Any of you remember that year? Remember me in it? I bet you do. . .n’t. I wasn’t there. That was the year my dad stepped up and saved my life. Out of everything that year, I learned that it wasn’t anger, it was pain. It was loss. It was that feeling of, Holy crap, I am utterly alone. I didn’t believe in anything, not myself, not God, not friendship, not love. . . not nuthin.

“Son can you play me a melody? I’m not really sure how it goes but its soft and its sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man’s clothes.”

Here I am, 17, broken, alone, sad, hurt, angry and faced with all of my worst demons. The loss of my family and the destruction I helped create there. The loss of one of my biggest role models, George Christakos, who awarded me my black belt and then was called home to Jesus the very next day.

Ok. . . this is a big BIG big issue. This is the catalyst. The turning point. Even now I can’t talk or type about it without crying cause damnit that fucking hurt so I’m going to take a minute. George was the ultimate big brother. He was just gifted. Everything he ever touched, it just sang. He brought the best out in the worst of people. He was a natural teacher, a natural leader, a natural counselor, and a best friend, not just for me but everyone. There is a book written about him called Loss of a Friend. And man, did I want to emulate him. His youngest brother, Kosta, was one of my best friends. There were five of us: Melissa, Kosta, Rob and Jeff (brothers), and myself. We were a tight knit family. There wasn’t a whole lot that we didn’t do together. George always looked out for us too. We all went to the same martial arts academy: Greg Moody’s American Taekwondo Association. And we were all talented. I mean, Missy and I would always play some type of ninja type of game. Rob and Jeff were the more laid back ones and Kosta was the wild child. The day I tested for my black belt, Sunday, November 22^nd 1998, George was there. I was nervous as all get out and he just kind of breathed courage into me, I don’t really remember what he said but it was something like, you have already earned it, you are just showing off today. And I nailed it. He was that push. He drove back to school that evening and got into an accident. His jeep flipped and the roll cage failed. He sustained a massive head injury having hit is head on the first roll and each successive one after. At four am, I woke up just knowing something was wrong. I was in a cold sweat and the nightmare goes without saying. I was to later learn that day that George had passed at the time I woke up. I was 11 and suddenly I knew the world ended for everyone at some point. Death had officially visited my life in a way that I could comprehend. And we all fell apart after that. I stopped martial arts, my grades started to slip. I fought with my mother all the time. And after some time had passed I was on a plane back to Illinois to live with my father. I was the proverbial dark child. It wasn’t just metal music or dark clothes. I mean I was literally black and cold inside. My passion for life had been reduced to art and music. Life ends. That was the bottom line and I was acutely aware of that. I didn’t talk to anyone about George. I said nothing about how I felt like I had died inside. It was all final when I laid my black belt, the one he had presented to me and tied around my waist, upon his casket as they laid him to rest in the ground. I was in uniform. I was beltless. And as a kid, I was dead. I just suddenly grew 20 years and anger quickly replaced everything.

This is where I first turned away from God. I was no longer saved. I was never baptized anyway. And to me, God had left us all to rot in this hell hole called earth. In Galatians 5:22 Paul writes that the fruits of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I no longer had these things and I didn’t care. Wrath, vengefulness, darkness, hatred, and rebellion became my flag for life. From there, things just got worse but George, the loss of George was the point where I went cold.

Fast forward, back, to 2004. I was now face to face with things repressed for so long that I forgot what I was angry about. Self-destruction was imminent. I had taken a couple chances at my life already. (God had other plans.) So I am in the middle of Iowa, at a school for messed up children, and have been given the task of getting myself right again. I fixed some things, learned how to let go of my anger and admit that I was mad at just about everyone but most of all mad at me. I helped some kids through their problems. Went through some motions and was challenged to just be me and live for me.

I finished my last 2 years of high school that year. I came home and started working. I met a wonderful girl, Nikki. I went on mission trips and helped communities. All was good. But I still hated God. After a while, things all fell apart again. Nikki and I split and I entered back into my deep dark place with anger and hate as a shield.

I then met Denise. We talked for hours on end and she became a light that I followed out of the pit. We fought a lot on God. Denise believes in him with all her being. She loves him first and no one else. That presented a problem because I fell for her. (Remember somewhere above this paragraph, Paul mentions Idols?) I didn’t fall for God. I didn’t understand God. And I hated God. But I tried for her. I started going to church again; I poured my heart into her and supported her through her trip around the world. She became my life. There were a lot of good times there. But anytime God came up, World War III broke out wherever we were at. I just couldn’t get my head around her devotion. I knew her story and what God gave her. But I couldn’t forgive him. Not for George, not for my family life, not for me.

Denise left for her trip last year. We were good for the first month and then we fell down hard. I stopped being there. I stopped everything but work. I denied God again and I buried my feelings for her and by the 6^th month mark, I ended our relationship. As was my pattern, it started to get good, I began to fear the downfall, and I gave God the finger and destroyed it myself.

Denise came back and we attempted to make it work but God was not welcome in my life. Now. . . well, she is closed off to me. God left me with Him and only him. Friends’ words mean nothing when they try to help unless it is coming from God.

I have been a Christian since February 29^th, 2012. 7 days at the time of this writing. I have been trying endlessly to mend a friendship and relationship that I cannot mend. Last night, I finally gave into my temptations. I hit the bottle and I hit it hard. This morning, like clockwork, I woke up at 430 am. Sick to my stomach, though not hung over, I walked down into the living room, grabbed Denise’s Bible and flipped to Galatians. Since Thursday, I have been reading Paul’s writings and story. It’s all I really have any motivation to do and as I read, my choices of last night were shined on by God’s mighty flash light. Paul, having written these ages ago, was speaking from the grave through a Living Word and touched me right where it hurts.

Paul speaks of the biggest commandment, second only to loving God with everything you have. Paul says to Love your neighbor as you do yourself. Everyone who has met me sees this passion I have for people. It makes it very difficult to let go. When I think of letting go or even saying good bye for a short time, I think of George. I go through that loss all over again. And I don’t even know I do it. And in that moment I want to hate God and destroy things. God called him home and I was angry at him.

Today, as I began to type this, my original intent was to just talk about Galatians and how it hit me hard due to my choices last night. Now, you have a 5 page essay on a chapter of my life that I didn’t even know was there. I’m tired of losing the ones I love and I am tired of causing that loss out of fear of losing them. It’s a horrendous catch 22.

Last night I said, “You are not alone. I am still with you. God just needs to work with me one on one for a while.” As she drove away my anger surged forth. I declared it and I was angry. All our good times, all our hardships, all our everything, surged through my head and my heart. I had just declared that I am walking with God alone for a while. The first thing I do is strike out at him.

This morning, I read Galatians and learn that I am not first or the last to do this. It stung, it was beautiful, it was everything. I keep glancing at my phone expecting to see a call or text but it’s more like a nervous tick. Nothing is coming that God doesn’t give me.

God has been pursuing me since 1998. 14 years. Through all the ups and downs, through the people come and gone. Through everything, he has left his hand in reach and after every time of me smacking it away, he has put it right back. I experienced a setback last night but as Paul writes in Galatians 5:1:

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.